New script, BLIND REFLECTION

[emjen]

This is a new script I wrote. I'm posting it here as a .txt file with layout to get honest feedback (although honesty has never really been the problem here) and to change it for the better.

I just translated this into english, and it's the first draft, and it's 6 pages long.

This also has partly animated parts in it, but you'll see which ones are animated and which ones aren't.

Blind Project (still nameless) read here!

For those of you who'll post some feedback, thanks in advance! Hope I made the translations without too many mistakes. [img]graemlins/umbrella.gif[/img]

edit: title changed to get more viewers (hopefully)

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 15, 2004 10:12 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>

[emjen]

Dear God,

Why has no one replied yet?

Greetings, Emjen

[eidde]

&gt;A street in a dreamworld.
&gt;The colors are red and purple, there is no sky,
&gt; all the objects are shaped in a weird way but
&gt; in an abstract manner still recognizable.

&gt; There is no sign of any perspective.

This is nigh on impossible to visualise and it lost me Im afraid.

[Spunkey1pestic]

I stayed with you. I understand your Message, and I liked your description- So let me start with the positives:
It reminds me of "what dreams may come" as far as visual, and I like dave and what he represents, it's interesting in some aspects,
artistically I give you two thumbs up....

But over all, this is lacking depth as a short- It's not something that's going to appeal to everybody- But then again with the subject matter-I don't think you were trying to reach the masses. If your going to go into all that work and detail for a short.... I'm curious as to why you are not thinking "feature"- There are so many stories you could tell or branch into or off of- that would give it more appeal.....
Like:
Why is he Blind? what happen?
What drove him to the streets?
When did he learn to live inside his imagination?
Did he fall for his nurse?
Where is his family?
you get what am saying- alot of great visual,but it's lacking storywise.
but good job!

[emjen]

'no sign of perspective' is a tricky line but i didn't really know how to write it any other way. You should read it at it's most literal form, there really IS no sign of perspective. Someone who has been blind all his life doesn't know things get smaller the further they go. Oh, and this is the animated part.

Thanks for your comment though?

And spunkey, I agree that it lacks story, but that's also because this is a short. You see a blind man who has never been able to see before, and without choosing for himself people decide for him that he's pathetic, and 'cure' him, while he has something others could never dream of. He lives in a perfect world.

The nurse thing, I don't really know. I'll change that as much as I can, but the truth is I don't know if it is bad or good. The point in that is that he doesn't want to get old and never seeing a girl in his life. There's still some curiousness. There's just no fun in seeing things as they are.

And the mirror thing, I kinda like that part myself. When he can see, and looks at himself in the mirror, he'll see how he'll end up if he continues 'cured'. Pathetic and old, living a boring life, blind to the beautiful things that exist when he in fact really IS blind. This is how OTHERS see him when he is blind. So when he 's running (kinda like that part too, I figured a blind man has never run before, so it should be exciting to run for your first time in your life) there's some excitement and the reflection changes into a younger person having fun, but still blind. And when he closes his eyes again and goes back to his world, he sees himself as the perfect man. His world is the only world for him, and the only way to die happily.

Oh and I like the whole music thing too [img]redface.gif[/img]

Now that you know a bit more of it, what do you think? And what can I change to make this come across better?

Only argument I can say back to the whole 'story/family/history' thing is: that's not the point, and it's a short.

Thanks for reading+feedbackthough [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img]

[Spunkey1pestic]

Are you set on it being a short?

I think it could be a really good feature with Development!I love the mirror , I like all your Elements-All I was saying is that -I'd like to see some back story- I think that would really pull the veiwer into the world of Dave and get them emtoinally involved in his situation.

[ray_bog]

Dude, 90% of your writing make little to no sense. I spent more time deciphering your ?code? than actually enjoying your phrasing and absorbing your visuals first hand from the page. It was hard work (even after re-reading everything several times it didn?t make much sense).

And that is pretty damn annoying seen as, with some work, this could be original and quirky and most of all ? different.

As a writer (and a visual illustrator), you have to make your scripts easy to read.

Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite... and good luck.